I hate being sick, I’m a huge baby whenever I get even a little sick. I also know the inevitable outcome, a hospital bed with my name all over it. My chronic bronchitis has once again turned into pneumonia.

While there is little that can be done for me, because of my unique genetic mutations. I am still here, with a tube in my nose, IV’s in my veins, and fiery blades in my lungs.

Every cough is torturous, breathing is only mildly less painful, and the taste of my own blood is prevalent on my tongue. And to add insult to injury, it’s raining outside. My favorite weather.

And yet, I am blessed, and I find joy in this place. While I don’t want my sons to see me this way, my friends are always welcome. And in my small and cold room, warmth and laughter are abundant.

Dre with her constant positive attitude and Naruto references. RJ with his unstoppable positive pep talks. Angie with her own unique style of morbid humor that I find hilarious. Natasha with her blonde moments and goofy demeanor. My friends, eclectic as always.

And when visiting hours are over and I am left alone with my thoughts, I think of my boys. I look at the many pictures and videos on my phone. And I am happy that I was blessed with them at all.

And before I sleep, if I sleep, my mind drifts back to that place in time, long ago, a mere dream of unbelievable clarity. And to a woman that was impossibly amazing, beautiful and most importantly, mine.

And to the little family that I once dreamt of. To my little girl, so much like her mother. And I allow myself, just for a little, to indulge in the dream and escape the pain of breathing. I know it can never be. My soul no longer wants that path, nor does my heart.

But it helps to forget the moment. And for that small amount of time, I am strong, healthy and laughing. And when I drift off into the world of dreams, I am with her once more. Just talking and sitting in our mountain top, laughing and then praying.

This sickness will pass, as it always does. And I’ll forget, for a time, the pain and the love. But for now, let me rest in the warmth of my dreams. In the warmth of her memory.

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