My Journal

Saturday, October 12, 2019

Monday, September 30, 2019

Saturday, September 28, 2019

Tuesday, September 24, 2019

Sunday, September 22, 2019

Saturday, September 21, 2019

Wednesday, September 18, 2019

Saturday, September 14, 2019

Tuesday, September 10, 2019

Wednesday, September 4, 2019

Tuesday, September 3, 2019

Saturday, August 31, 2019

Tuesday, August 27, 2019

Father, I know what I want but not what you want for me. Where does this path lead? When do these tears cease in their endless flow? What is normality & when do I find it? How can I get there? Some days I am so tired, Father. Physically, mentally and spiritually. I long for rest, Father. My muscles ache from constant use. I lay awake, restless every night. During the day too I am unable to rest. There is so much to do & so little time to rest. Where am I going? My tired mind gives me no answers. What am I asking for? Again, I don’t know. I know only that I am following you. Most days it’s so simple. I pray, I meditate & I am still. It is in these moments when I feel you. It is at those times that I am completely at peace. & at other times I am irritated at your silence. Like right now, Father. Walk with me in these mountains as you did with Enoch. Guide me, Father.

Sunday, August 25, 2019

Father, thank you for all the blessings you have given to me. For all my flaws, my imperfections & my shortcomings, I am equally blessed. You have given me two beautiful sons & the wisdom to teach them. Even with my illnesses you have given me the strength to soldier on. I am not worthy, I am a sinner & yet you love me anyways. I have so much to be thankful for. No matter the city I reside, you are there beside me. I can not outrun my past. I can not leave my sins in any place. I have to keep moving forward, repenting and living to give my boys the world they deserve. I will prove, not to you, but to myself that I am the man you meant for me to be. Let the world believe what they will. I owe nothing to them, they owe nothing to me. But I will show my sons the back of a man who is strong, kind, intelligent & loving. A man who walks by faith. I will show them the back of a man who came from a broken world and rebuilt it for them. Be with me, Father. Guide me.

Saturday, August 24, 2019

Thank you, Father, for another Sabbath day. As much as I don’t want to be back in this city, I am happy to be with my children. My relationship with their mother is a little rocky. But I have faith it will get better. It’ll just take some time. I have missed my mountains. It was in those places that I found you, Father. Too touch them again, breathe in the glory of your creation. It was almost more than I could take. Home is where the heart is. My home is anywhere my children are. They are the most important beings on this Earth. They need me & I will be there, be right here. Where they can have me anytime they want me. My Milolo. As for my romantic heart, Father, it will always belong to Jazzmine. I don’t know why, but I know that much. My loneliness is only temporary. I will find companionship in the ones you send to me. Sooner or later, this too shall pass. Either with my own passing or through your grace. Mye has cut our ties, I don’t blame her. She was an amazing friend, but she wanted and deserved more than I could give to her. I pray she finds that love she longs for. Maybe with Miguel, he did introduce us & I could see he has more in mind than just friendly admiration for her. I wish the best for him as well. He was also an amazing friend. He chose to stay in San Antonio, I will miss his humor. I will follow you, Father. Where you guide me I will follow. Texas was a short, yet beautiful, chapter. & now it’s time to begin the next. Who knows. Love might be on the horizon. I will continue this broken road. I will keep following you. Guide me, Father.

Wednesday, August 21, 2019

Thank you, Father, for another day. My life is not easy but I am so grateful for it. Little by little it gets better. With each passing day I grow stronger. My health improves. My love grows deeper. & my heart ache doesn’t lessen at all, but I ignore it a little better. I am tired, Father, but I am tenacious. No surrender. No retreat. No quit, Father. It is no longer inside me to give up. But I long for rest , Father. All these things I long for I cannot have. Rest, Love, Jazzmine. Rest will come in time. Love will come when it’s time. My tiny one, I must let go of. I wish for nothing more than her joy, her health, & her relationship with you to be strong. I pray that her family is healthy. That their bonds grow stronger with each passing day. I never stop wanting the best for her, regardless of how she feels towards me. Moving on is feeling more & more impossible. But everything will happen in your time, Father. I am patient, I am tenacious & I am perseverant. I have faith, Father. One day all will be well. Even if it is not in this lifetime. Until that day, be with me. Guide me, Father.

Monday, August 19, 2019

Father, give me strength. How can such a short text break my heart so completely. Some innocent person who had the wrong number managed to make me fall to my knees in tears. “I miss you more than words can express.” My heart stopped, Father. The only person I thought of was Jazzmine. I am so foolish, Father. So foolish. She doesn’t miss me. Why would she? I am so foolish. & now my heart aches, my eyes are sore and red. It’s like the day she left all over again. I haven’t wanted to pick up a bottle so badly in years. But I am not so weak anymore. I will cry for now. Let it out. Allow myself to feel what I’m feeling. & tomorrow I will bounce back. But right now Father, I need you. Comfort me. Guide me.

Saturday, August 17, 2019

Thank you Father for this Sabbath day. A rest we all need. Thank you for all the blessings you give to me. Even the ones I don’t see at first. I suppose pain is my greatest teacher. I still cry for Stephanie, the loss of such a beautiful soul, a wonderful friend. I still dream of jazzmine & the life that once was & could have been. She pops up in my social media & my heart stops every time. My breath catches & the longing stabs into my soul. She is still as deeply in my heart as she ever was. Teach me to forget, Father. Love is not for me. I will love the whole world, my children, and you, Father. But let me forget Jazzmine. If I forget her, maybe one day my soul will too. The connection will be no more and I can rest. I can dream again, love again. One day I can give my heart again. I am thankful for all the lessons. Every scar, mental & physical, that you have helped me to heal is a lesson. I look at my knuckles & I am reminded of the times I was without you. So many scars adorn my skin, Father. So many. & countless more in my mind. Let Jazzmine become another. Just another wound you healed. She was the catalyst for me to transform. It took me losing her to break down the walls my mind set up to protect myself. Help me to let her go. Guide me, Father.